


last letter to you wherever you are

by shoestringheart



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 20:56:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9022419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shoestringheart/pseuds/shoestringheart
Summary: Night is falling but you are not at hometo hear how loud the sky sounds whenits canopy collapses and rains downparts of stars, a bruise of moon;Sarah Freligh “Last Letter to You		      Wherever You Are”A life without faith is a terrible thing, Chirrut says. Hardly a life at all. Baze agrees.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The title is taken from the Sarah Freligh poem by the same name. If you haven’t seen Rogue One yet, 1-you should and 2-don’t read this if you’re avoiding major spoilers. This is written pretty stream-of-consciousness-y? All the run-ons are intentional. I think. Also it’s rated Mature but if you’re here looking for sexy times, there’s some very vague mentions of a handjob and a blowjob, but nothing in detail. The raunchiest it gets is the word “cock” a couple times.

The good news, Baze thinks, the good news is that he won’t have to go on living without Chirrut. This is an unthinkable thing; to go on living without Chirrut would be like living without eyelids. Not a problem for Chirrut (he doesn’t need his eyelids, or his eyes, or Baze), but a problem for Baze who lost his faith in the Force, and lost his faith in himself and lost his faith in everything but Chirrut. A life, as Chirrut would say, without faith is a terrible thing. Hardly a life at all. So, for Baze: A life without Chirrut is a terrible thing. He knows. He knows it in his bones.

The seven minutes between Chirrut’s death _I am one with the Force and the Force is with me_ and Baze dying are the longest in Baze’s life; a faithless eternity stretched out in front of him. This is what drives him forward; this is what cushions his fall.

The first time Baze met Chirrut they were very young and very foolish and Baze took one look at Chirrut’s useless eyes and felt skepticism build deep within him, in the pit of his belly. _Do you use the Force to see_ , he asks Chirrut, which is rude, but Baze does not bother with manners most of the time and Chirrut seems to understand this, or at least not to _mind_ this because he only smiles and says _I cannot see, but I use the Force to Know_. Baze supposes this is better than seeing.

When he came to the temple, when he came to be a Guardian of the Whills, he knew with every fiber of his being that the Force was real and alive and _present_ in the universe; Baze felt the Force filling him up, like water, like sand, like Life. Once, he told Chirrut. He said _I feel the Force filling me up_ and Chirrut smiled and said _I feel it too_ and Baze said _you feel the Force like water in you_? and Chirrut said _I feel it in you, and that is how I know it is in me_. This does not make sense. Baze does not say that, he says _Do you feel the Force in you?_ and Chirrut had smiled and said _do you_ , and Baze said _I’m not sure_ , but it was a lie and Chirrut knew that it was a lie. The truth is that Baze feels the Force roaring through Chirrut; if it fills Baze up like water, it fills Chirrut up like a waterfall. Chirrut laughs and says _you are not such a good liar, my friend_ , and Baze says _this is what makes me a better Guardian than you_ and Chirrut laughs again and leans in to kiss him.

There’s this place inside Baze, this place Chirrut lives, a place Baze can protect him, keep him safe, a place Baze has built for Chirrut to stay, a place Baze has built with his prayers. _I am one with the Force and the Force is with me_. Before the temple is destroyed, Baze puts Chirrut’s hand on his chest, just under his heart, the place he has built for Chirrut to live and says _Can you feel this_? and Chirrut says _yes_ , and then Chirrut says _thank you_ and then Chirrut presses his face against the place Baze has built for him and says _we are one with the Force and the Force is with us_ and Baze thinks about the way prayers linger in your throat, in the curve of your mouth, the way prayers float around just under your ribcage, in the place he has built for Chirrut.

Every time they make love, they whisper prayers to each other. _You are a good man,_ Chirrut says. _No I am a strong man_ , Baze says, because there is a difference. Chirrut is the good man; Baze is the strong man. _Can you not be both_? Chirrut asks and Baze thinks and says _Yes, but I am not_ —because Chirrut is good and strong. Chirrut is the best kind of man there is, Baze thinks. _You have Faith in the Force, but no Faith in yourself_ , Chirrut says and Baze says _I have Faith in you and the Force and that is enough_. Then Chirrut takes Baze’s cock in his hand and slides his fingers up the shaft and says _You are a good man and a strong man, Baze_ and Baze comes and comes and comes. _I love you_ , Chirrut says, after Baze has taken Chirrut’s cock in his mouth and made him pray and swear and come. _You love my mouth_ , Baze says, and laughs and Chirrut laughs too and says _Yes_ and then Chirrut says _Look at the sky, Baze, look at the stars, the moons_ and Baze says _Do you Know them_ , because Chirrut cannot see but he uses the Force to Know and Chirrut says _no but I Know you and that is better_.

When the temple falls, Baze feels the Force drain out of him like water; a great wave of the Force, leaving him all at once, leaving him breathless. He falls to his knees and Chirrut says _I am one with the Force and the Force is with me_ , like everything they’ve built hasn’t just gone up in dust. Baze says _You cannot see this, you cannot Know this_ and Chirrut says _the Force is beyond Knowing_ and Baze says _you stupid old fool_ and Chirrut only smiles and puts his hand just under Baze’s heart, over the place Baze has built for him and says _I am one with the Force and the Force is with us_ and then he falls to his knees in front of Baze and says _we will live in the place you have built_ and Baze says _it is only big enough for you_ and Chirrut says _then I will make a place for you in me, I will build it with my prayers._

Chirrut dragged him along on this suicide mission and he says _we are going to die_ and Chirrut says _it’s not so terrible, to die among friends_. Baze disagrees, but he doesn’t say anything and Chirrut presses his cheek to the place under Baze’s heart, the place Baze built for him and says _a life without Faith is a terrible thing_ and Baze says _I have Faith in you,_ which is all Baze needs. Chirrut and the places they have built for each other—these are all they need.

This is what Baze did not realize: there are quiet moments in a battle, pockets of space and silence. Tiny prayers. _I am one with the Force and the Force is with me._ it is during one of these small prayers that Baze leans in to rest his cheek on the place Chirrut has built for him. Chirrut pets his hair, as though Baze is very small. In the wake of this battle, he feels very small. _Someday I will build you a place to match the one I carry with me_ , Baze says and Chirrut hums, so deep Baze feels it more than hears it and he says _the place you have built is all that I need_ and Baze kisses the place just over Chirrut’s heart and says _When this is over, I will build you a temple_ and Chirrut says _I will live there with you_. And Baze already knows they will not survive this; that the weapon that destroyed Jedha City will come, and will destroy this place, too; it will destroy the places they carry inside of themselves. Baze is afraid and he presses his forehead to Chirrut’s sternum and says _I am afraid_ and Chirrut nods. Baze feels this, too. _We are one with the Force and the Force is with us_ , he says and Baze shakes his head. _I do not need the Force when I have you_ , he says, and he feels Chirrut’s smile. _You have the Force when you have me_ , he says.

The seven minutes without Chirrut are an eternity; as Chirrut said, a life without Faith is a terrible thing. _The Force is with me_ , Baze says, and he turns his eyes to the sky. He hears Chirrut in the place Baze built for him say _can you Feel the stars_. Baze says _I am one with the Force_. Baze falls. He feels the place he built for Chirrut crack and crumble. _The Force is with me_ , Baze says. _I am one with the Force_.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! leave your thoughts on the way out!


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